El Niño(pe)


Courtesy of Mr. Voltz and his family.

Britt Jacobson and Mira Berenbaum

Voices Editor and Staff Writer

We sat down with two of Milken’s favorite Midwesterners, Mr. Holton and Mr. Voltz, to talk about the recent change in weather.

How do you feel about the weather lately? Would you say that it’s cold?

*Both laugh very loudly*

Holton: No.

Voltz: I would say cold is a relative term, and yeah, this is not it.

How does your El Nino clothing compare to regular clothing?

Holton: It is exactly the same.

*Mr. Voltz is wearing a short-sleeved shirt*

Mr. Holton: I’m pretty sure that during the rainstorm I was walking around in a short sleeve shirt, some slacks.

Mr. Voltz: Yeah I remember that it was a nice outfit. I brought an umbrella.

Mr. Holton: Yeah, yeah I brought one too. No reason to be wet if you don’t have to. I walked by a junior boy that was wearing like 5 layers of clothing.

Voltz: Yeah I’ll wear a light jacket or something if it’s COLD in the morning.

What is your memory of winter in the Midwest?

Voltz: Sledding… a lot of time in the snow

Holton: Sledding, ice skating

Voltz: Snowboarding, skiing

Holton: Skiing, bad driving

Voltz: Yeah bad driving

Holton: Actual bad driving, not like how people in LA drive when it rains, like actual dangerous roads.

Voltz: Yeah like when you hit the brakes you actually slide, not like people here slamming on the brakes and then you run into them.

Holton: Cause they’re dumb

What are your thoughts on your students’ reactions to El Niño?

Voltz: Borderline ridiculous, but again, it’s relative.

Holton: You mean to the rain last week…. uhhhh… I was surprised the girls didn’t melt.

Voltz: Yeah! I think everyone did pretty well for a rainstorm last week.

Holton: I didn’t know there could be so many different types of galoshes worn by Milken girls. Especially when there was no standing water.

Voltz: Yet, I saw ZERO umbrellas.

Holton: There was one.

Voltz: Okay, one umbrella, despite the fact that it was pouring rain. You were worried about the rain… one umbrella.

How does El Niño compare to the coldest winter you’ve experienced?

*More laughs*

Holton: Umm, it doesn’t?

Voltz: It doesn’t come close

Holton: I mean when we were still in Michigan it was the coldest. There was one probably in elementary school, middle school.

Voltz: We got held out of school for 3 days.

Holton: Yeah, when the wind chill and everything was below zero

Voltz: Like to be held home from school for the wind chill,  it has to be 30 degrees below zero because of the wind chill.

Holton: Do you know what wind chill is?

Britt: ……No….

*Voltz laughs way too loudly*

Holton: SO there’s temperature, just normal temperature and then there’s wind chill. And… I’m not sure exactly how they measure it.

Voltz: Think, it’s the opposite of heat index, when you feel a certain amount. Wind chill feels like it’s a certain amount of cold. It’s like colder than the wind.

Holton: So they’re literally saying DON’T GO OUTSIDE because your skin is going to get frostbite

Voltz: To get held back from school wind chill has to be 30 degrees BELOW zero… You can throw water up in the air, and if it’s hot water it evaporates.

Britt: Have you done that before?

Voltz: Yeah as a science teacher you always do stuff like that. Yeah like it literally doesn’t compare, it’s a 70 degree difference.

Britt: So was that the coldest winter you ever experienced?

Holton: Two winters ago, we were here obviously, but it was pretty cold. It was like second worst in Michigan history.

Voltz: It was like -10 one night.

Holton: It was a polar vortex or something.

Mira: Wasn’t this year unreasonably warm?

Holton: This year it was an unseasonably warm winter break, warm Christmas.

Britt: Can we get a mini-sciency explanation from you?

Voltz: So you’re recording this so I have to know it? Uh…

So the waters from the Pacific near the equator are really warm, water that is moving North is warmer than normal, so it makes it wetter here and um… and because of the jetstream and the way it dips too, it’s just going to make it colder in other places.There’s a graph from weather channel or something.

What are your thoughts on LA winter coats?

*They laugh AGAIN*

Holton: that they should only be worn in the winter… so never.

Voltz: They’re far more fashionable than any winter coat should be. Winter coats are supposed to keep you warm. These don’t do that. They just look pretty.

Per the recommendation of Mr. Voltz, here is the SNL El Niño skit!


And there you have it folks! El Niño is… not even remotely on par with the rest of the country’s weather.

You’re welcome.