Wildcats Anonymous
Life Experts
“Whether you are a senior on the brink of college acceptances (or rejections), a junior working to the point of mental exhaustion, a sophomore contemplating LAferet or Tiferet (your lives are hard) or a freshman with absolutely nothing to do, we feel that this section of The Roar will appeal to each of your equally uninteresting lives (no offense).
As contributing writers for The Roar, we (anonymously, of course), are bringing back “WildcatsLoveThis,” a spinoff of the wildly humorous and entertaining “B*****s LoveThis.” Though we respect the B*****s and hold them in great esteem, we feel our column will better relate to your immediate lives, as we strive to fully hone in on the pertinent issues in a Milken gal’s daily life.”
Now we’re no @MilkenGirlsTBH, but we’ll do our best to show you just how to live it up like the JAPs that we are. We know it’s been awhile — just about 2 years — since our last gem of wisdom was bestowed upon you, but its time to talk about a pressing matter: the intense Valley/City battle of Beatbike versus SoulCycle. The competition is real — the spinning instructors, the upbeat EDM — how will you ever decide what exercise chain you will chain your life and money to?
Regardless of whether you are a Valley Wildcat who swears by Beatbike, or a City Wildcat who would rather be spotted wearing last year’s Celine bag than be seen anywhere other than your beloved Soul Cycle, these reasons will explain why Wildcats love love LOVE their work out places and how to find the place for you:
- Its rare to find a Wildcat who doesn’t eat Milken Mart burritos and Starbucks coffees on the daily. Not to mention eating sushi at lunch, and of course bagels every morning before Kehillah! Attending workout classes will make sure these foods don’t follow you past Milken graduation.
- There is no better excuse to wear your Lulus. I mean, they can’t call you a JAP if you’re actually going to exercise in them… right? So yes, you can wear your Lulu leggings, Lulu tank tops, and Lulu headbands.
- Milken has many days off, from Shemini Atzeret to Staff Development days, so Wildcats can easily avoid the crowds. Thank Abraham for personal workout classes!
- Soul Cycle is like a party with loud music and a really dark room. It’s the only kosher party us Wildcats can attend in the middle of the week, in the middle of the day. And, we know you Wildcats are concerned about your outfits, but for this party, workout clothes are the only things you need.
- For all you basic Wildcats who spend your free time getting your nails done and going to Sugarfish, but want to try something more “productive,” workout classes are the best option. They are trendy, and you will leave feeling much more accomplished than having a new color on your nails. How else are you gonna burn off your Joan’s half-day lunches and skinny peppermint mochas?
Now that we’ve established that workout classes are the only way to go, lets get down to business. SoulCycle or Beatbike? So many struggles, so many real hard decisions.
Just kidding, you don’t have a choice. If you live anywhere near Ventura, the answer is Beatbike. Anywhere else, SoulCycle is the way to go.
If you’re feeling a little bit more mellow, give YogaWorks a try. We hear it’s like super good for you and stuff. Be sure to grab a Pressed juice for your basic Insta…why else would you exercise?
Until next time… You know you love us, XOXO Wildcats Anonymous
Anonymous • Feb 1, 2015 at 3:27 pm
As someone who went to Milken a couple of years ago, I feel that these articles are not promoting the values that this school tries to instill. By promoting yourselves as “JAPS,” it implies that the only people who attend Milken are the “Jewish American Princesses” you claim yourselves to be. As a school you want to attract teenagers who are not intimated by the privileged culture you brag about living in. In fact, because of posts like these and the milkengirlstbh Twitter, less and less girls want to come to Milken in fear that they won’t fit in because they can’t live your “basic” lifestyle. I suggest you look at yourselves and how you want to represent your school.