Hillary Clinton announced as new Head of School

Jake Davidson


After an extensive global search for a new Head of School, Milken has finally found its woman. The formal announcement will come at a press conference on February 25, but The Roar’s Special Investigative Unit (SIU) was able to uncover the name of the newest addition to the Milken administration, the person to boldly blaze the trail as Milken enters its next phase of institutional development, Hillary Clinton.

This move has sent shockwaves through the political and educational worlds alike, rippling all the way to Benghazi, Libya. The Roar’s SIU has learned that this move has been years in the making, as part of Clinton’s master plan to eventually move from First Lady to Commander-in-Chief. According to sources high up in the Clinton for President focus group, Clinton will use education as the central point of her 2016 campaign. She feels that having the invaluable experience of operating a school will give her insight and an inherent advantage in the upcoming election.

After uncovering this monumental news, many had the same question: Why Milken? According to sources, Milken’s signature programs swayed her decision as she looked at hundreds of schools across the country. While one would assume that such cornerstones of the community like MAST and the Architecture Design Institute were instrumental in convincing Clinton to come to Zeldin’s Way, it was in fact the excellent cuisine of Vicki, our unique oneg program, and the scholarly atmosphere of the library that made the biggest impact on Clinton.

For Milken, this was an obvious choice, as Clinton brings an international presence to the campus while helping the community school shed the stereotype of a conservative beacon that will only praise Israel. Parents are thrilled, as are most students. However, there is a growing group that wonders why Mitt Romney was overlooked in this search. Especially after his dominant performance in the mock vote a few months back.

For those skeptics who say that Clinton will be out of here in two years, sources insist that Clinton has really identified with the idea of lishma, embracing the core value of doing this out of love. In fact, the pull of sunny California might be enough for Clinton to postpone her presidential thoughts until 2028. She is so enamored with the Milken community that she says this will be the most meaningful job in her career, ranking it ahead of her former posts in the Senate and the State Department.

In addition to Hillary Clinton, former President Bill Clinton will also be joining the faculty, serving a variety of purposes. Clinton would like to create a health elective, as he blames his lack of education on these matters for his “evasive answers” with Congress during his presidential tenure. Former President Clinton sees Milken as a hotbed of future power players, and he would hate for the future President Clinton to get tripped up by such trivial information. This health elective would allow former President Clinton to really make amends for past mistakes.