Zachary Brenner and Justin Kroll

Ginger Overlords

Last summer, I huddled in my basement curled in a ball of fear. All around me I heard thumps and screams. It was “Kick a Ginger Day.”

Listening to the terror of my fellow gingers, a minority in today’s predominantly dark-haired society, I realized that, fortunately, I was not alone in this fight. I turned to my ex editor-in-chief and role model, and he did not fail me.

“I decided to take to the streets, organize, and start my own underground movement. It was kickass,” Blake Senet ’11, head ginger, said.

Three months later, after moving upstate through the sewers all the way to Sacramento, we were able to establish a “Hug a Ginger Day.”

From now on, I will be free to go to summer camps over the summer, instead of cowering as usual in the corner of the basement.

“The way this all turned out is very reassuring,” Justin Kroll ’14, ginger, said. “I used to live in fear, but now I embrace my gingerness.”

Gingers around the world now enjoy longer life spans because of the hugs they receive on “Hug a Ginger Day,” and the threat of ginger suicide has decreased significantly. In fact, it has been scientifically proven that the life expectancy of gingers has increased by 40 years as a result of this monumental occasion.

Furthermore, gingers are now free to occupy any job in the world. In fact, a ginger named Richard Richardson will be running for president in the 2016 election.