SPECIAL PURIM EDITION: 2012

Jake Davidson

Managing Editor

Acquiescing to popular demand and mounting pressure, Twitter’s Milken Problems has finally decided to reveal himself to The Roar’s special IIU (Internet Investigative Unit). In a surprising twist to some, Milken Problems is operated by copy machine extraordinaire David Miyawaki.

Putting the pieces together, it is easy to see how Mr. Miyawaki would assume the role of Milken Problems. His office is in the perfect location to hear both the teachers’ scuttlebutt as well as listen in on the students’ gossip. In addition to being the chief copy maker, he has access to internal documents and is known to be a fantastic listener.

The Roar has also discovered that Mr. Miyawaki moonlights as a comedian at night, and his Milken Problems project was just something to get his creative juices flowing. In order to succeed, the Twitter account’s identity needed to remain anonymous, and Mr. Miyawaki flew under the radar so no one would suspect him.

While Miyawaki admits that Milken Problems lost some of its luster recently with such copycats as the short-lived Milken Memes temporarily gaining prominence, he insists that he is dedicated to his Twitter project for the long haul. In fact, he revealed a plan to monetize his brand, creating shirts, hats and coffee mugs with trademark tweets and his logo emblazoned on every item.