SPECIAL PURIM EDITION: 2012

Jake Davidson

Managing Editor

The Roar’s Special Health Unit of Sanitary History, or SHUSH, has uncovered medical documents that have drastic implications for the future of the Milken library. The documents confirm that Mr. Tarince Tyler, the lovable librarian, has a debilitating hearing condition and will be completely deaf very soon.

When approached, Mr. Tyler broke down and admitted to hiding this condition from the Milken community for the past three years. He insists that it has actually enhanced his performance as second-in-command. The condition has forced him to create a methodology for detecting if students are speaking or doing work.

“It is actually quite easy,” Tyler said. “If kids are standing or sitting near the couch, they are automatically talking. Or if it looks like they are talking, then all I say is, ‘Sir, I am going to have to ask you to leave the library.'”

Tyler admits this approach is not foolproof, as he sometimes kicks kids out who were not even speaking, but he says casualties of war are acceptable in the War on Noise in the library. He assures the Roar staff that he has no preference for kicking anyone out.

“I discriminate only on one thing, if they are speaking, and in that case they must be eliminated,” Tyler said.

Some might wonder how he will continue to do his job if he cannot hear if students are speaking, and Tyler acknowledges these growing concerns. To appease his angry critics, Tyler has gone public with his condition and is handing over most of his “shhhhhhhh-ing” duties to a very capable Mr. David Kates.

“I see potential in David. He has that knack for silencing kids in times of battle,” Tyler said.

In the future, Tyler will focus on more conventional library duties like checking out books and organizing the reference system. He thanks the Milken community for their support during this difficult time and he assures everyone that silence will always remain his first priority on campus.