JJ and Jake’s declassified Facebook survival guide

JJ Friedman and Jake Davidson

Staff Writer and Managing Editor

Before Facebook, life for the average Milken high school student was easy; all you had to do was survive the seven hours each day at school unscathed. Now, in the age of social media, students lead a double life, and surviving the social jungle we call school is the easy part. When the clock hits 2:30, Facebook goes live and the real struggle begins. It is a constant battle to be cool, to fit into the virtual world. The funny status, funny comment and “hot” profile picture are all tools to garner likes. What used to be the bathroom wall is now formspring.me. And in this battle for salvation, you need help… from JJ and Jake’s declassified Facebook survival guide.


Rule #1

Stop posting statuses simply to get likes.

Example 1: Honestly, no one really wants to know what the truth is, they just want a self esteem booster like “truth is you’re pretty” when in real life they probably are not. Truth is? It is really not cool. Even worse, do not post new “truth is” statuses every week… it only makes it worse.




Example 2: Stop posting lyrics as your status, it really does not make you deeper or hardcore copying someone else’s words.

Example 3: You are not CNN. Do not post the news. We all felt that earthquake… you are not special.

















Rule #2

Do not put quotes under your profile picture, it does not make you any more attractive.

Example 1:










Rule #3 

Do not add people on Facebook that you do not know, because do you really need 1400 friends? We are no mathematicians, but we can bet you probably only know about fifty of them.

Example 1: If you see someone at school and avoid eye contact with them or have never had a conversation with them… THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND.














Example 2: Just because you saw an attractive girl or guy at a party does not make you friends with them, and definitely does not increase your chances in the future. If anything, it is like walking around with a sign saying “I’M CREEPY.”


Rule #4

Do not share your profile picture countless times, once is enough. If he or she did not like it the first time he is not going to like it the second, third, fourth or fifth. Would you really stand up in the middle of the amphitheater and scream “look at me, like me!!!”?















Rule #5

Do not chat with someone on Facebook you would not talk to in person. It is pathetic.














Rule #6

Do not add family members over 30. Self explanatory. 





Rule #7 

Stop pretending you got hacked, or simply log out of Facebook… it takes a second.





Two common exceptions JJ and Jake tackle:

  1. Bathing suit pictures- In short, we deem this acceptable. However, there are two exceptions. First, if you would be embarrassed to be seen out in public in a bathing suit, posting an edited picture probably is not the best idea. Second, we admit we might be a bit biased here, so we will say that guys can post these pictures too, as long as they do not show up in our news feed.
  1. Stalking- No, it probably did not come up in your news  feed but we really do not care. It does not matter if you were looking through someone’s profile because that is the point of Facebook. Just admit to it and it will be all good.

One final word of advice: When you meet someone for the first time, do not call them by their Facebook name… that is just really weird.

Gabe Freeman and Leigh Jacobson contributed to this article. All screenshots courtesy of facebook.com.