Wildcats Anonymous

Life Experts

Whether you are a senior on the brink of college acceptances (or rejections), a junior working to the point of mental exhaustion, a sophomore contemplating LAferet or Tiferet (your lives are hard) or a freshman with absolutely nothing to do, we feel that this new section of the Roar will appeal to each of your equally uninteresting lives (no offense).

As contributing editors to The Roar, we (anonymously of course), bring you “WildcatsLoveThis,” a spinoff of the wildly humorous and entertaining “B*****s LoveThis.” Though we respect the B*****s and hold them in great esteem, we feel our column will better relate to your immediate lives, as we strive to fully hone in on the pertinent issues in a Milken gal’s daily life.

We understand that life at our Jewish private school is not easy- fitting into this Kehillah (community) can be tough. Thus, we bring you this blog to advise and inspire each and every one of you to be a little bit more catty (Wildcatty of course)…or at least a bit more like us. We hope that this blog brings you enlightenment and bliss, like the Ten Commandments did for our main homie, Moses.

Read on.

WILDCAT LIST

1. CHAVA

We figured we would kick off our list with a man all the girls, boys and adults hold very dear to their hearts at this school. No, we are not talking about Mr. Kates or Coach Whiting’s son. We’re talking about Chava. Who could ignore their stomach just around 9:15? Kehillah is coming to a close, and you’re searching for a student store card you can borrow to score one of Fern’s last bagels. Suddenly you catch your reflection in the window of the library and realize that a bagel is the last thing you should be eating- especially after just watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show. You turn to the left, and as if God put him there himself, there is Chava- an angel with a fruit stand.

Chava has transformed fruit from being simply a food into a delicious Wildcat trend. Phrases you may generally hear pertaining to Chava are, “Did you see Rachel’s instagram yesterday? Her Chava looked fantastic!” or, “The fruit stand on Robertson next to LF and Kitson is so much cheaper, but like, I’ll still eat this.” These are just a few of the casual statements you may hear throughout your downright riveting (not) day at Milken.

Finally, being “in” with Chava has the same implications as being “in” with the student government rep who gives you free pizza on Fridays, or the security guard from the Skirball lot- it just makes you feel a little bit more exceptional than you already foolishly do. While the reason that Chava knows your name is most likely caused by the fact that you buy fruit from him on a daily basis, it still makes you feel utterly cooler than your social counterparts who don’t share a personal connection with him. But the girl/guy who Chava gives a strawberry or mango to is the real exceptional one, and the rest of you are peasants.

Also, don’t order the papaya. That’s just weird. Everyone knows a true Wildcat eats strictly watermelon, mango, berries, and the occasional cucumber (especially for the Persian Wildcat). This isn’t some tropical island- it’s Bel Air, so keep it classy! Then your day really might start to look up.