Noah “Mor-pee-us” Mintz
Staff Writer
Contrary to popular belief, sources say, Milken’s only auto-flush urinal, located on the first floor of building one, is not a portal to the Matrix. While its unique, hands-free, automated structure held many of the male students and faculty members’ attentions — with the hypothesis that, on its third daily flush, the urinal transported its users to the setting of Keanu Reeve’s acclaimed techno-grunge film, The Matrix — many became disappointed, and some surprised, with this game-changing disproving.
“It accounted for at least 3% of all male absences this year,” attendance supervisor and head nurse at Milken Community High School, Joyce Brown, told us. “Without this ‘portal-thingy’ responsible, where are all these male students going?”
To answer her own question regarding the miraculous disappearance of these students, Brown joined forces with School Oracle, Mr. Beau Lindsay. “I had looked at the attendance numbers earlier this week and realized that something just didn’t add up. So, when Nurse Brown asked for my assistance, I had already possessed an interest in the matter and also taken things into my own hands,” Lindsay told us. The School Oracle continued to inform The Roar of his reconnaissance mission to locate the missing children through the use of bioelectric scanners.
Lindsay additionally made sure to thank local bounty hunter and long-time friend, Agent Smith, in his valiant yet unfortunately unsuccessful attempt at retrieving these lost ‘rebels’ from within The Matrix.
From the student perspective, Jacob Pollack ‘14, supposed “Matrix-urinal” abductee, had a lot to say regarding the matter. “I don’t know where the other kids went, but I was there! I walked into the bathroom at around 7:19 AM Tuesday, did my business, and then BOOM! I woke up in this gooey shell thing with these wires in my head and my belly button! It was awesome!” When asked to further describe his situation, Pollack brought up his newfound superhuman abilities and expanded on his process of getting to the Matrix in the first place. “I’m not sure if this may be responsible, but this was the first time that I had gone to the bathroom since the implementation of the school’s new ‘Bathroom Protection Policy’ where students must pick a red or blue pill to predetermine whether they will be peeing or pooping during their visit. The red pill had an awfully familiar taste,” Pollack concluded.
While the source of the missing students is still unclear, one thing is for certain; Milken’s only auto-flush urinal on the first floor of building one is not a portal to the Matrix.
This story is still developing.