Justin Kroll

Staff Writer

Rating: PG-13 for disturbing images, violence, sexuality/partial nudity and some thematic elements

As I walked into the movie theater, I must say that my expectations couldn’t possibly have been lower. All of the Twilight “saga” movies have been incredibly poor quality films, and this one wasn’t an exception.

The plot is insultingly simple. In fact, it’s simple enough to say in just eight words: Bella gets married, has a demonic vampire baby. This makes you really wonder, who cares? And the lack of good, interesting sub-plots just makes the movie painful to watch.

Probably the worst aspect of the movie is that it’s so funny. Now, it wasn’t intentionally funny. That would be giving the film far too much credit. The few jokes thrown in really weren’t good. No, because of the horrible acting and dialogue, I found myself laughing uncontrollably during the intense, dramatic and romantic scenes that obviously weren’t meant to be laughed at. For example (spoiler alert), after giving birth, it appears that Bella (played by Kristen Stewart) dies. Edward (Robert Pattinson) attempts to rush the vampire-transformation process and begins biting Bella’s body everywhere. Are we supposed to take that seriously? During one of the most intense parts of the movie, one of the main characters is just biting another’s dead corpse! Really?

There is also a complete disregard for logic in the movie. I don’t know if this is because the movie is poorly done – which could definitely be a possibility – or if the book is equally as bad and nonsensical. For instance, after Edward and Bella finally consummate their relationship during their honeymoon, Bella becomes pregnant. How is this even possible? Vampires have no blood pumping through them. Even Stephanie Meyer, the author of the Twilight books, holds true to this single fact while she completely butchers the concept of a vampire. If there’s no blood in him because he’s dead, how can he get Bella pregnant? And how can he even engage in such sexual activities? And now for the rest of the movie, the audience is wondering: How is that even possible? I sincerely hope it’s solved in the next movie, because I am demanding answers. The one mystery the movie has, the one opportunity for it to make something somewhat interesting, is actually forgotten midway through.

Furthermore, there’s a blatant lack of creativity on Stephanie Meyer’s part. Bella tells Edward about her choices for the baby names. If it’s a boy, it’ll be named EJ, for Edward and Jacob (played by Taylor Lautner). If it’s a girl, it’ll be named Renesmee, a combination of Bella and Edward’s mother’s names. First, let’s start with EJ. Really, Bella? You’re naming your baby after your husband and your former love interest? You don’t think that’s slightly awkward? And you think that EJ is a good name, in itself? Imagine him running for president: “Now presenting President-elect, EJ Cullen!” No. That does not work. And Renesmee – seriously, you’re so outstandingly clever that you can’t think of any original names? And so you combine your mother and mother-in-law’s names? Logically, Renee and Esme combine to form Renesmee, which is even longer and stupider than the original names. Instead of giving the baby a name that had some deep meaning, Meyer chooses to flaunt her lack of cleverness in the most obvious way possible.

Now, I must make a confession. I was very naive upon coming into the theater. I had thought that we were past the point where special effects looked really dumb. I had envisioned a future where most, if not all movies had Avatar-like special effects. But I was so, so wrong. During their honeymoon, Bella gets on Edward’s back and they super-jump over a waterfall. Because Meyer’s vampires possess super-speed and super-strength (I mean, duh). But the effects to show Edward jumping over a waterfall are cringe-worthy. It’s honestly embarrassing how stupid it looked.

Of course, a Twilight movie would be empty without Jacob topless. Fortunately, he tears off his shirt in the first 15 seconds of the movie. Phew. Unfortunately, that’s the only view we’ll get of his “amazing” abs this movie, because the shirt stays on for the remainder of the film. Pity.

Actually, there’s one thing that’s good about the movie. The action is poorly choreographed and sparse, the romantic moments are laughable and there are essential points regarding the plot that are told at the plot’s resolution. The post-credit scene is ridiculously stupid, it’s a slap in the face that Breaking Dawn deserves 2 parts, but there’s one thing the movie finally gets right. Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that Bella has finally STOPPED BITING HER LIP! It’s true. I don’t think she does her annoying lip bite, which always accompanied anything regarding her “big choice” between Jacob and Edward, once during the movie. And yes, that is the one good thing about the movie.

Grade: D+

Featured image courtesy of imdb.com.