Amateur 7th Grade Observer
As I glide through Milken’s gates on a dark, depressing Monday morning, I think back to my days of middle school. Those were good times. Times of Scarlata and times of sleep. I look towards the Chai Way, where young, innocent, small 7th graders energetically go to their classes. I glance towards the road, then back one more time. Wait. Holy Moses. That one kid is really short. Him too. I’m pretty sure that girl is in 4th grade. I study the Chai Way once more. It seems that every 7th grader is like 4 foot 3 at most.
Studies show that every year, 7th grader’s heights are decreasing at an alarmingly rapid rate. From 2012 to 2014, 7th graders’ height went down a staggering 572%. If the decline continues at this rate, in the year 2016, 7th grade students will be negative two and a half feet tall.
Further research proves that the diminishing vertical measurements of 7th graders is a trend we should be worried about. Dr. Kavid Dates of Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center explains, “There is…something wrong…with 7th graders. This is [the best and most reasonable] article ever.”
On one of Milken students’ most trusted websites, about.com, ILUVLAKERZ2424 illuminates that this staggering decline of 7th graders’ height is related to the rise of Satan. This commenter warns all that Satan is upon us. Thanks for the excellent advice, ILUVLAKERZ2424.
At Milken, these problems have begun to greatly affect all students. The underwhelming height of those seen on the Saperstein campus has inspired Upper School student Joel Seligman ‘14 to remark, “I was totally taller than that. Like those kids are really small. I had to be taller than that. But actually. I think I was even taller than that kid when I was in kindergarten! Oh my God. That’s crazy, dude. Like really, really crazy.”
I took this issue of small 7th graders more as an opportunity for personal growth, rather than an opportunity to just make fun of the tiny children. Aren’t we all, in a way, small 7th graders just making our way through life? Looking up at a 90º angle at adults in an epic search for knowledge and growth and success? This Purim, we all should recognize the 7th graders with respect. And then we should laugh at them. Because they are short. Like a lot. I close with a haiku:
Oh, seventh graders
Why are you so so so so
so so so so short